Black Christmas (2006)

Directed by : Glen Morgan

Starring: Katie Cassidy, Michelle Trachtenberg, Kristen Cloke, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Lacey Chabert, Andrea Martin, Crystal Lowe, Oliver Hudson, Karin Konoval, Robert Mann

1/2   (out of 4)

Daddy, can’t we get a star or an angel for our tree like every other family?

Bob Clark’s Black Christmas was a little gem of a holiday horror flick that inspired a whole truckload of films, including John Carpenter’s Halloween. And like Halloween, recently remade by Rob Zombie, Black Christmas has also been, as they say, “re-imagined”, and the result is fairly close to what I expected. That is to say, most movies that are remade don’t need to be, and the new versions make the argument better than anyone. Glen Morgan’s version of Black Christmas is no exception - it’s a Christmas horror slasher that drops all the subtleties of the original and replaces them with 21st century cynicism and a high gore content, but little else.

Not that gore is a bad thing. In point of fact, it happens to be the best thing about the new Black Christmas, which shares in common with the original film a plot regarding a crazed psycho named Billy who makes menacing phone calls while he’s butchering sorority sisters in their home over Christmas holiday break. What surprised me was the amount of eye violence, which reaches levels of absurdity that not even Lucio Fulci could have imagined. I got a brief flashback to a scene in Fulci’s The Beyond after I witnessed an impalement through the eye, coming out the back of the victim’s head with the eyeball still attached to the murder weapon. It’s a brief amusement in a movie that is actually really stupid.

Garbage day!

It’s Christmas time at the insert-funny-sorority-name-here house, and all the girls are gathered around the tree, exchanging gifts, drinking booze, and generally hating on Christmas and each other. “Fuck Christmas!” one girl cries, while another gives the the expected “it’s all bullshit” routine about the holiday’s pagan roots. Another fantasizes out loud about burying the hatchet with her estranged sister, “in her head”. During the insanely large amount of exposition given in a short 5 minute time frame (which in itself is appalling in its delivery), I realized the amount of hostility this film has towards Christmas. Is it just a sign of the times that everybody in Black Christmas is either a total bitch or a lunatic? I don’t know, but I don’t remember the original film taking this kind of attitude. That’s what made the original melancholic as well as frightening - the idea that death would intrude on what is normally a peaceful, happy affair. But in the remake, since nobody really cares about anything, we don’t care when they get killed. The girls, who are all fairly interchangeable, don’t have much to offer beyond being meat for the grinder. And what little they do offer makes them unlikeable.

The original gave never before seen motifs like killer-point-of-view and killer-calling-from-in-the-house. It also kept the origins of is murderer purposefully vague. Over thirty years later, we’ve all seen every possible variation on these themes, so the new movie jettisons all of that in favor of a back story of killer Billy and his sister Agnes. Parts of the film flash back to Billy growing up, where he has to endure his crazy mother murdering his father, then locking him up in the attic while occasionally coming up to engage in incest. Having been completely dumped for new baby sister Agnes, Billy goes berserk, killing mom and making Christmas cookies out of her. It’s all done in Grand Guignol fashion, and is probably the only truly interesting part of the flick.

I’m kinda full. Just leave those out for Santa.

The rest of the running time is dedicated to the different ways of being killed and having ones eyes removed to be used as tasty hors d’œuvre. Again, this would be fine if the plot devices and characters weren’t so stupid. In this day and age, when people are aware that a crazed serial killer is in the vicinity, would they really get into a car without checking the backseat first? And would they purposefully go into the attic where the killer has been determined to be hiding? Wouldn’t paramedics take a close look at supposed dead bodies to make sure they are really dead before zipping them up? Finally, I am confused as to how, in a movie that establishes that a blizzard has downed power lines, delayed police, and caused massive pile-ups, still manages to stage a denouement in a hospital where nurses, police, morgue attendants, victims, and television reporters had no trouble getting to.

I think underneath it all, Morgan was trying to deliver a commentary on what it means to be family, but it’s not strong enough to make it through the morass. The major problem though, is that no movie is seen in a vacuum, remakes especially. The reason one remakes a film (in an ideal world, of course) is to improve upon it. Morgan’s movie removes the elements that made the original work (like style, structure, atmosphere) and ramps up the ones that were left out for a good reason. There’s no particular charm to it, and it doesn’t have any strong characters in the style of Margot Kidder or John Saxon. But that’s par for the course in horror these days. As holiday slashers go, you could do worse than Black Christmas 2006, but then again you could certainly do better.

- Bill Gordon

This is the weirdest fortune teller I’ve ever been to.

Kingdom of the Spiders (1977)

Directed by: John ‘Bud’ Cardos

Starring: William Shatner, Tiffany Bolling, Woody Strode, Lieux Dressler, Altovise Davis

1/2   (out of 4)

WARNING: SOME SPOILERS AHEAD.

Say, how about we go back to my quarters for some Romulan Ale?

In the town of Verde Valley, Arizona, something is killing farmer Colby’s cattle. Local veterinarian Dr. Robert ‘Rack’ Hansen (William Shatner) teams up with university entomologist Diane Ashley (Tiffany Bolling from The Candy Snatchers) to make a shocking discovery: huge tarantulas are banding together in large colonies. And they’re pissed.

That’s the plot of Kingdom of the Spiders, a late 70s nature-on-the-rampage flick directed by none other than John ‘Bud’ Cardos, who would later go on to direct The Dark and Outlaw of Gor. But while those two later films are enough to make you want to jump into a hill of tarantulas, this early item ain’t half bad. It helps that our two main heroes are likable - the Shatman actually manages to turn in a surprisingly subdued performance and bug expert Bolling is totally hot - an early scene has her emerging from the shower with a wrapped towel only to come across one of our 8-legged baddies. Instead of screaming, she reacts with amused delight before grabbing it and releasing it outside. A half-naked hot blonde and she likes bugs too? Every geek from here to Flagstaff will need restraining orders.

No, no, it’s the frog, stupid.

But then again, we’re in Verde Valley, as Dorsey Burnette tells us in an enjoyable country ditty: “Will tomorrow bring the love we need - To last for
evermore? - Or could it bring the unknown - That we’ve never seen before?” There’s not much out here in desert country, except for rocks and giant spider hordes. Pretty soon, the amusing clash of Captain Kirk’s cowboy machismo versus city girl Diane’s brand of feminism is interrupted by a string of deaths-by-spider-bite. A side-plot involving Rack and his relationship with his dead brother’s wife and daughter is distracting, since it never really is followed up on. In the movie’s favor, Cardos really did use about 5,000 of the little buggers, and there are some nice scenes of people being cocooned in silk-webs.

‘Network with the fewest dropped calls’, my ass!

The biggest problem with Kingdom of the Spiders is that, surprisingly enough to me, it gets a bit dull in the second half, as our heroes barricade themselves inside the local lodge owned by Emma (Lieux Dressler from Truck Stop Women), and defend themselves from the approaching spiders, Night of the Living Dead style. They come through the ceiling, they come through the fireplace, the come through the doors … honestly, there are only so many ways I can watch people fend off spiders. Things get really amusing during the town attack scene, where people are running all over the place in a panic as they are being bitten by tarantulas crawling all over them. Two things occurred to me during this scene: 1. Why is everybody covered in spiders? Did they fall from the sky? And: 2. How likely is it that a person would sit perfectly still long enough to be covered in a giant silk web? Is half the town population narcoleptic?

Ok, well this guy, I can understand.

Then again, the city of Verde Valley is just a place where stupid things seem to happen. Farmer Colby’s wife (played by Altovise Davis - wife of Sammy Davis Jr) thinks that shooting at the critters is a good idea, even when one gets on her hand. Stuntman Whitey Hughes screams like a woman as he is attacked while piloting an airplane - where did these spiders all come from? (Again, the theory that they dropped from the sky is given merit.) Finally, in a hilarious bid to give the movie an environmental spin, we’re told the spiders are attacking because their food has been killed by excessive spraying of DDT. Damn the man - again! The final shot of the film is very effective - sure, it’s fake-looking, but the implications are creepy anyway. I think Verde Valley will have to cancel the fair.

Town closed due to spider invasion. Please take next exit.

Kingdom of the Spiders is what it is - amusing 70s B-grade cinema about killer spiders. It’s drive-in fare all the way, as if the actors in it didn’t tip you off already. And I personally think the Shat isn’t a bad actor. It would have been interesting to see what he did with his time in an alternate universe where Star Trek: The Motion Picture was never made.

- Bill Gordon

Honey, this is just a bad idea, no matter how you look at it.

As an aside, I found something really groovy. A massive spider web in Texas. (More info at Bug Girl’s Blog ) Seems that others have also made the connection with the ending of this movie.

Spider life imitates art.

The Good Times DVD of Kingdom of the Spiders is bare-bones and in full frame. Don’t be suckered by the “Special 25th Anniversary Edition” - there’s nothing special about this release. But it’s the only one for the time being, and the transfer is adequate.

Help me! Spock!

There’s a movie coming out called Báthory. It’s Slovakian and should be released next year. The plot deals with the life of Elizabeth Báthory, a Hungarian countess who lived from 1560 to 1614. The story takes place in what is now Slovakia (at the time it was a part of the Kingdom of Hungary).

Báthory is known as Bloody Lady of Cachtice, the most infamous serial killer in Hungarian and Slovak history. She was an educated woman who could read and write in four languages. The Báthory family was one of the wealthiest in Central Europe. The rivalry they had with the Habsburgs is considered a potential reason for conspiracy against her.

Oil Painting of the Countess, believed to be a realistic portrait

In 1610 and 1611, testimonies were collected from more than 300 witness accounts, which suggest that Báthory killed many local peasant girls. The descriptions of torture that emerged during the trials were often based on hearsay. They included:

• severe beatings over extended periods of time
• burning or mutilation of hands, faces, and genitalia
• biting the flesh off the faces, arms and other bodily parts
• freezing or starving victims to death

In 1610, she was imprisoned in Cachtice Castle, where she remained in her room until her death four years later.

If you watched Hostel - Part II, you saw a woman (Monika Malacova) bathing in the blood draining out of a hanging victim. Eli Roth called her Mrs. Bathory. This is in reference to the legend that Elizabeth Báthory bathed in the blood of her victims so that she may retain her youth and beauty. This legend was spread in the 1700s by men like László Turóczi’s and Matthias Bel. However, there is no proof that this ever happened.

Scene from Hostel: Part Eww

The emergence of the bloodbath myth coincided with the vampire scares that haunted Europe in the early 18th century. The connection between the two myths would later be made in the 1970s. Some have tried to establish the myth surrounding Elizabeth Báthory as a source of influence for Bram Stoker’s 1897 novel Dracula. This theory is strongly disputed, however.

Ingrid Pitt in Countess Dracula, a Hammer horror film from 1971 based on Elizabeth Báthory

Children of the Corn (1984)

Director: Fritz Kiersch

Starring: Peter Horton, Linda Hamilton, John Franklin, Courtney Gains, Robby Kiger, Anne Marie McEvoy

1/2   (out of 4)

Too much strawberry ice cream makes me sick.

Children of the Corn was originally a Stephen King short story. I haven’t read it. But if this movie is any indication of what the book is like, I’ll never be reading it. Before the opening credits even roll, we’re treated to voiceover narration by the movie’s main kid hero Jobe (Robby Kiger). “It was about 3 years ago. I was the only kid in church that day…”. Oh Jesus, here we go. Massive exposition voiced by a kid. The strong suit of horror movies (and I think, most Stephen King novels) is in the power of the image, but before we even see anything we have to listen to a boy dumb it down for us.

Not much of any interest happens after the beginning slaughter scene in a diner. We learn that a boy preacher named Isaac (John Franklin) has created a cult based around some demon in the corn fields of Gatlin, Nebraska. His right hand man is an older teen named Malachai (played by Courtney Gains, a good casting decision. Back in 1984 he looked like some Amish kid gone off the deep end). At Isaac’s command, all adults in town are brutally killed. Three years later, nobody outside of Gatlin seems to have given a shit, and the kids are still busy doing their cult thing when yuppie couple Burt (Peter Horton) and Vicky (Linda Hamilton) stumble into town.

Gatlin: City of Ethanol and High Fructose Corn Syrup!

Let’s get the religious symbolism out of the way: Malachi was originally the first of the Biblical minor prophets, meaning “God’s helper/God’s messenger”. It may be helpful to know that the Book of Malachi, the last book in the Hebrew Old Testament, was written in response to corruption of the Israelites, particularly the priests. Armed with this knowledge, we can successfully predict the outcome of the movie Malachi’s relationship with boy-priest Isaac. The Biblical Isaac, of course, is the son of Abraham. You might be tempted to believe that Children of the Corn is taking potshots at Judaism but this seems doubtful in light of Burt’s later comment that any religion not based on love and compassion is a false one. Then again, the Old Testament isn’t exactly a shining example of God’s love, as it involves a lot of blood, death, and sacrifice. It also doesn’t help matters that all the cult members are children. Is that how Stephen King sees religious folk?

Anyway, this is all academic. It’s more fun to talk about this movie than it is to watch it, because the thing is mediocre in just about every sense. There’s no particular imagery of any staying power to take away, except maybe flashes of the Nebraska cornfields, but even that is underutilized. There’s nothing particularly scary, threatening, or suspenseful either. The thing just sort of plods along, with our two heroes driving down lonely highways for what seems like an eternity. The movie occasionally will throw us a bone, like a murder of a gas station attendant, but even that sequence is rather dull and uninspired.

Just lie back and think of Kyle Reese

The characters of Burt and Vicky aren’t exactly the brightest bulbs either. They turn on the car radio and become annoyed at hearing some preacher’s voice, but don’t seem to know that if you turn that little knob thingy you might be able to listen to something else. Burt leaves Vicky alone with little girl psychic Sarah. Guess who ends up kidnapped and tied to a sacrificial cross? Watching Linda Hamilton tied up in the middle of a cornfield gave me a brief flashback to The Wicker Man, but it was only brief. Let’s not kid ourselves.

The ending deals with turning the cornfield into a “lake of fire” to kill the monster/demon thing, but it’s not executed with any particular flair (the word “uninspired” will creep into your head alot during this film). The movie’s budget is too limited to try to show the monster anyway - we just get to see something moving under the field and the occasional explosion or cheesy animation. Even the final “boo” ending is handled with no particular care - when the words “The End” pop up on the screen before our survivors even have the time to drive out of frame, it seems like the creators have been waiting the whole movie to do it. This is probably what happens when people get the bright idea to turn a short story into a 90 minute feature.

We want Menudo!

I have seen worse movies than Children of the Corn, but not many that just seem to be going through the motions. This one left me feeling apathetic. It’s more like a TV movie adaptation than a theatrical film. Quite frankly, how this flick generated 6, count em, 6 sequels is beyond me - I can only assume some cheesy cornfield deity was involved. Nebraska deserves better.

- Bill Gordon