Valentine (2001)
Director: Jamie Blanks
Starring: Denise Richards, David Boreanaz, Marley Shelton, Jessica Capshaw, Jessica Cauffiel, Katherine Heigl

1/2   (out of 4)

Revenge of the Nerd!

At the 8th grade dance, complete nerd Jeremy Melton is turned down by just about every girl, falsely accused of attacking an overweight Dorothy, doused in red punch (Carrie-style), and then beat to a pulp by bullies. Not a good start to his teenage years, which, incidentally, involve mental hospitals and the fiery deaths of his parents.

13 years later, the bitchy girls and the plump one are all grown up. They are all still friends, however unbelievable that is. And one by one they receive threatening Valentines Day cards right before being skewered by a killer in a cherub mask. He signs the cards J.M. … is the killer Jeremy come back for revenge?

Michael Myers’ other mask is in the wash.

That’s the setup for Valentine, your standard “holiday” slasher that begins well with an effective murder sequence in a morgue. Med school student Shelley is attacked by the psycho, at one point forcing her to hide in a body bag among the corpses. In probably the only clever sequence in the film, our Cupid killer starts unzipping bags, then figures out that simply stabbing through each one is much more efficient. Cue up the next scene, where Paige (Denise Richards) and Kate (Marley Shelton) go through a speed dating ritual, the purpose of which is to set up all males in the film as self-absorbed, oafish, nerdy, or some combination of all the above. Take Kate’s boyfriend, Adam. He’s a drunk. Dorothy’s boyfriend Campbell (Daniel Cosgrove) is a con man. Lily’s artist boyfriend Max (Johnny Whitworth) is a swinging jerk. Even Detective Vaughn (Fulvio Cecere) can’t keep his hands to himself, coming onto Paige right in the police station. (It must be the fact that she’s the only non-blonde. Personally, those damn eyebrows scare me). Worst of all, one of them might be the killer!

Doesn’t take much to hypnotize Denise Richards - just concentrate on the shiny bald spot!

Not that the girls fare any better than the guys. They are also self-absorbed and spoiled, when they aren’t busy wielding their sexuality as a weapon. In fact, all the people in Valentine are so unlikeable, that when they die there’s no caring about any of it. It’s just rich good looking people being complete assholes to other rich good looking people. And once in awhile some of these people get killed. Should I feel pity, or glee? The killer in the cherub mask seems to be telling us that love hurts, but there is no love in this movie, only obsession, or self-obsession. Perhaps that is the point. There’s a dark side to Valentines Day - at what point does a secret admirer become a stalker? Is that what the movie wants us to ask? Probably not, as the Valentine theme is hardly utilized.

You said there would be Caravaggio paintings here! This isn’t really the same thing, is it?

Anyway, it all adds up to a rather tame flick akin to your typical post-Scream horror, like a Halloween episode of Beverly Hills 90210. The movie is closer to a PG-13 than its R-rating; sex is promised but never followed up on (man-hater Paige leaves her male suitor naked, tied up, and with a penis burned by candle wax - I guess that’s one way to say “No”) and the deaths seem cruel but are strangely bloodless. Valentine seems more interested in bringing up issues of paranoia and trust, asking questions like “How well do you really know someone?” Yeah, because that guy you know could be that kid you bullied in school now grown up into a serial killer! The ending plays a little game of switcheroo, confirming that the identity of the murderer is exactly the person you thought it was in the first place (It’s a whodunit without really being one). Valentine looks pretty good - director Jamie Blanks (Urban Legend) knows how to setup a scene (a murder-by-bow-and-arrow inside a multimedia art installation works well, even if it’s nonsensical), but the problem is that the stage is populated with Barbie and Ken dolls and aimed at the audience who watched anything on the WB network. Otherwise, there are better movies to focus your attention on, as this one is a combination of a slasher and a murder mystery that fails to ultimately satisfy as either. Dario Argento and Mario Bava did it better.

- Bill G

“Hey Denise! Check out this bitchin’ new hair dryer!”

Superstition (1982)
Director: James W. Roberson
Starring: James Houghton, Albert Salmi, Lynn Carlin, Larry Pennell, Jacquelyn Hyde, Stacy Keach Sr.,

(out of 4)

Ah, the old Head-in-the-Microwave Gag!

WARNING: Some spoilers ahead.

Superstition is a Canadian flick (I think) from 1982, but I would swear it was directed by somebody like Umberto Lenzi or Lamberto Bava. It plays like an alternate universe version of Argento’s Suspiria, if it was directed by somebody like Lucio Fulci. In other words, it’s just plain bad, but gory enough and silly enough to keep one interested. There are no real characters in this movie, just meat for the grinder. Basically, Superstition is a succession of kills strung together to a funny prog soundtrack (by David Gibney, doing his best Goblin impersonation). It’s also partly produced by Kassar and Vajna - how the hell did they get involved in this?

Some of the kills are gory (spinning blade through the torso), some disturbing (spike through a girl’s forehead), some stupid (guy cut in half by a window pane - how the hell does that happen?), some funny (exploding head in microwave) and some downright boring (hanging, body thrown around room). But there certainly are a lot of them.

Works better than Advil

So who’s causing all this commotion? Well it turns out that many years ago, a witch was sentenced to drowning, and in order to keep her in the lake, a special cross was tossed in to make sure she keeps out of trouble. Folks, it didn’t work. The priest who sentenced her to a watery grave gives no good reason why she isn’t just burned. I guess his heart wasn’t in it? As soon as she hits the water the village burns down. Bad sign #1. Soon the poor priest finds himself crushed to death. Bad sign #2. That cross must obviously be defective.

It’s years later, and the witch is still at it - killing anybody who comes near the lake, and the old house in front of it. I think the creators of this movie wanted an Amityville vibe, but there isn’t much time to build up a mood in that regard, with all the slaughtering going on. What we do get is a clueless reverend named David Thompson, a cowardly dad, a few babes, a kid, a priest, a strange old lady and her retarded son, an incompetent detective (played by Albert Salmi, who in real life would later die with his wife in a murder/suicide), and a girl who may or may not be a ghost. The priest is killed early on by a spinning circular saw blade, which flies across the room at him. The fact that it is still spinning under some ghostly power as it burrows through his chest seems to be of no importance to those who witnessed it. Rev. David Thompson says he’s shaken up, but otherwise reacts as if he just witnessed a minor rear end collision. The rest of the running time is filled with people running back and forth in full panic mode, but for some reason failing to run in the one direction that might save them, namely out the front door.

This is not a dream. We are speaking to you from the year one, nine…

Spoiler: everybody dies in this film. Well, why shouldn’t they? They have created a monster (not shown, by the way, except for monster hands with claws) that has pretty much been established as invincible. You gotta wonder about movies like this where Satan can do whatever he wants. Crosses don’t work (well, one cross sort-of-works) ,priests are useless. Hey, God! We could use a little more help down here! After a while, one wonders if they should just drain the pond, bulldoze the place and put up condos or something. Maybe the witch will want to be superintendent.

-Bill G

Bad Day at Sunday School

A movie with Jenna Jameson and Robert Englund? Where do I sign up?

And yes, before this masterpiece comes to DVD it will be playing in select cities later this month.