Prophecy (1979) 1/2 (out of 4)
Directed by: John Frankenheimer
Starring: Robert Foxworth, Talia Shire, Armand Assante, Richard Dysart, Victoria Racimo, George Clutesi

C.H.U.D. (1984) (out of 4)
Directed by: Douglas Cheek
Starring: John Heard, Daniel Stern, Christopher Curry, Kim Greist, J.C. Quinn, George Martin

Ah, eco-terror films. Born in the paranoid 1950s, giving us the nature-run-amok theme involving giant insects and killer rabbits and such, they are fun items, I admit, but I think they possess a certain limitation - after all the warnings about the dangers of polluting the environment and mother nature’s revenge on the human race, they still usually end up as simple B-movie monster fare. Naturally, the best of the environmental-horror flicks try to work around these limitations through quirky characters, decent suspense, or witty dialogue. They don’t always succeed, but hey, if you find yourself worrying about the environment afterward I suppose some good came out of it, right?

The two movies I want to review today cover the same basic ground - monsters created by mankind’s negligence and greed run amok. The difference between them is in attitude and location. Prophecy, released in 1979, sets its monster in the pristine wilderness of Maine and wants to believe that everyone has the best intentions but are simply ignorant of their situation. C.H.U.D., from 1984, hits the streets of New York City and calls out the authorities for willful deceit and corruption. But both deal with contamination and genetic mutation, and if they could actually talk you would probably hear them shouting stuff like “You idiots! Don’t you see what you’re doing to the planet!”. Both feature pregnant main characters (”Think about the world you want to bring your children up in!”). Of course, both have weaknesses that pretty much derail them, although C.H.U.D. manages to hold up better after all these years.

Scuse

Prophecy shows the corruption of the natural world by man’s interference. When we begin, mill workers in the forests of Maine are slaughtered by an unknown entity. The next morning we are treated to a camera pan of their mangled bodies, set to classical music. Only later to we discover our heroine Maggie (Talia Shire) playing the cello in an orchestra. She’s worried because she’s pregnant but her husband Dr. Bob Verne (Robert Foxworth) doesn’t want any children and she doesn’t know how to break the news. “The world is such a mess it’s unfair to bring a child into it,” she says at one point. And so begins the movie’s liberal-tinged onslaught.

When we first see Dr. Verne he is saving a baby in the inner city from rat bites. He is picked by government man Vic (Graham Jarvis) to travel to Maine to mediate a dispute between lumberjacks from the Pitney Mills Paper Company and the Indian tribes in the area. The mill people have timber rights to 100,000 acres of forestland that the local O.P.s are blockading. The US government hopes to break the standstill by using Dr. Verne to write a report for the EPA. Vic hopes that because Dr. Verne is good with people, he can get the lumber company and the Indians to play nice. Of course, nowhere during the course of the film do we actually witness Dr. Verne using his supposed skills with people to get anything done. When the lumber mill operator Isley (Richard Dysart) threatens tribe leader John Hawks (Armand Assante) with a chainsaw, the doc just sits back and never gets out of the car. His tour of the lumber plant ends with a big argument with Isley - wow, so he’s good with people, huh?

Don't worry - this is a PG Chainsaw

After being attacked by a crazed raccoon, witnessing extra-large fish (including a giant tadpole), and hearing stories about deformed Indian babies, Dr. Verne thinks it’s time to check out the mill. Isley assures them that everything is proper, but later Verne discovers mercury in the area. After Maggie gets some of it on her hands she doesn’t seem too bothered by it. In fact, for a pregnant lady, she seems strangely dispassionate. A normal person would have immediately informed her husband about the pregnancy and then left the area for safety, long before anybody is attacked by a mutant bear.

Oh yes, did I mention that the monster is a mutant bear? A rather silly looking one - cheesy effects, rubbery suit, etc. - but the bear is at least ferocious, as it slashes, eats, cuts off heads, and so on. When one poor family is killed, the boy, trapped in a tight yellow sleeping bag, is whacked away into a rock. As his body hits, his sleeping bag seems to explode white feathers all over the place. How bizarre. Personally, I think the monster looks like Manbearpig, from South Park. I wonder if Prophecy is where they got their inspiration from.

Handbanana! No!

The idea here is that if pregnant females consume fish with methylmercury in it, the poison jumps the placental barrier. This probably explains the mutant cubs that our heroes discover, and try to get to safety to use as evidence. Having consumed fish herself, Maggie understandably worries about what kind of baby she’ll have (as evidenced by Prophecy’s poster, of a mutant monster in a womb). Of course, here is where the movie drops the ball - after all is said and done there is no followup on Maggie’s baby. No discussions on what she’ll do (besides her intentions on keeping it), how the baby turns out, any of it. I suppose we’re just going to have to be happy with Larry Cohen’s It’s Alive. By the way, it seems to me that Cohen (God Told Me To, The Stuff) would have been a better candidate to direct this movie than John Frankenheimer (The Manchurian Candidate, Black Sunday). Frankenheimer brings A-list sensibilities to a B-picture and I think the result is mixed. There are a few scenes that work - one nicely shot sequence in underground tunnels is suspenseful, and there’s no denying the beauty of the scenery. But other sequences seem too serious in tone for a movie about a giant manbearpig. (Prophecy overdoes it on the environmentalism message). The characters, though likable, behave nonsensically. Talia Shire’s milquetoast mom hauls a mutant bear cub all over the place while being chased by mommy bear without once considering that perhaps she shouldn’t be doing that. Only when the cub starts chewing on her neck does she think to dispose of it. I guess she’s really attached to the idea of having a mutant baby. The biggest problem with Prophecy though, is that most of the monster sequences are unrealistic and seem cut to shreds by the producers to garner a PG rating (even though this movie is very violent for a PG - in today’s world it would most likely be PG-13 - but hey, it’s the 70s). I also wonder if there is uncut footage regarding the aftermath of Maggie’s pregnancy lying around somewhere.

ManBearPig exists!

C.H.U.D.’s best gimmick involves the title itself, which refers to the “monsters in the sewers”. They’re called Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers. Now tell me that’s not brilliant! John Heard is George Cooper, a photographer who does pieces on the homeless who live under the streets of NYC. Kim Greist plays his pregnant model girlfriend. Daniel Stern is AJ, the soup kitchen guy who’s friends with Captain Bosch, played by Christopher Curry. Bosch’s wife disappeared while out walking the dog one night - well, actually an unseen monster pulled her down into the sewers. A couple more missing persons cases turn up, including assorted homeless (called undergrounders) and a little girl’s grandpa, who’s grabbed by a CHUD right out of a phone booth.

Scuse

A meeting with shady city leaders exposes government bureaucrat Wilson (George Martin) as the bad guy, responsible for a major coverup involving the dumping of toxic waste under the city. Greist’s character is attacked in her apartment by a CHUD while the rest of the cast gets trapped underground while Wilson decides to flood the sewers with gas to kill off the CHUDs. The CHUDs, of course, are the undergrounders after they undergo ugly transformations due to radiation exposure.

Thank you, lord, for this bountiful harvest of toxic sludge!

C.H.U.D.’s major weakness is that it plods along for too many stretches without really showing us the monsters. When the CHUDs do make their appearance, it’s fleeting, and we never get a serious look at them for too long. Perhaps the creators of the film thought the makeup effects weren’t up to par, although personally I liked what I saw. As a B-movie picture, C.H.U.D. is just too damn talky for its own good, but I must say that I liked the characters more than usual, so I suppose that I can’t complain about this point. Heard, Stern, Greist, and Curry all give good performances for this sort of thing, and hell, even John Goodman makes an appearance (briefly - in a diner scene where police officers are attacked by CHUDs. This diner scene, by the way, originally was tacked on to the end of the theatrical release, but this DVD release restores it to the middle of the film, where it was originally intended to be).

I can get you a toe by 3 o'clock, with nail polish.

The ending to C.H.U.D. is a bit weak, as everything culminates in a face off with bad guy Wilson - it basically comes down to a gunfight. For a monster movie, I think it’s unacceptable not to have a face off with the monsters themselves. (At least Prophecy knew enough to do this). But C.H.U.D. is still a better film than Prophecy because it has more going for it - the city setting seems to work better for this kind of picture, the characters are more fleshed out, CHUDs look cooler than Manbearpig, and, well, radioactive toxic waste is more interesting than boring old mercury poisoning.

Nom, nom, nom!

If you pay attention, part of each film deals with man’s mistreatment of man - in each case there’s a forgotten people (Prophecy’s Native Americans, C.H.U.D.’s homeless) who are given vindication if not true justice. We disregard them (and nature) at our own peril. That’s the message, I think, and I’m sure it’s fairly accurate since both movies tend to shove the idea into our faces. Perhaps they have to, considering that otherwise we’d all be commenting on how fake their rubbery monster suits look. (But we do that anyway). In any case, these pro-environment movies are what I consider the last gasp of the cinema of environmental horror, and they certainly look it. I only recommend watching either of these on rainy days or very late nights. Booze helps.

My neck is killing me... can you give me a rub?

-Bill G

Kingdom of the Spiders (1977)

Directed by: John ‘Bud’ Cardos

Starring: William Shatner, Tiffany Bolling, Woody Strode, Lieux Dressler, Altovise Davis

1/2   (out of 4)

WARNING: SOME SPOILERS AHEAD.

Say, how about we go back to my quarters for some Romulan Ale?

In the town of Verde Valley, Arizona, something is killing farmer Colby’s cattle. Local veterinarian Dr. Robert ‘Rack’ Hansen (William Shatner) teams up with university entomologist Diane Ashley (Tiffany Bolling from The Candy Snatchers) to make a shocking discovery: huge tarantulas are banding together in large colonies. And they’re pissed.

That’s the plot of Kingdom of the Spiders, a late 70s nature-on-the-rampage flick directed by none other than John ‘Bud’ Cardos, who would later go on to direct The Dark and Outlaw of Gor. But while those two later films are enough to make you want to jump into a hill of tarantulas, this early item ain’t half bad. It helps that our two main heroes are likable - the Shatman actually manages to turn in a surprisingly subdued performance and bug expert Bolling is totally hot - an early scene has her emerging from the shower with a wrapped towel only to come across one of our 8-legged baddies. Instead of screaming, she reacts with amused delight before grabbing it and releasing it outside. A half-naked hot blonde and she likes bugs too? Every geek from here to Flagstaff will need restraining orders.

No, no, it’s the frog, stupid.

But then again, we’re in Verde Valley, as Dorsey Burnette tells us in an enjoyable country ditty: “Will tomorrow bring the love we need - To last for
evermore? - Or could it bring the unknown - That we’ve never seen before?” There’s not much out here in desert country, except for rocks and giant spider hordes. Pretty soon, the amusing clash of Captain Kirk’s cowboy machismo versus city girl Diane’s brand of feminism is interrupted by a string of deaths-by-spider-bite. A side-plot involving Rack and his relationship with his dead brother’s wife and daughter is distracting, since it never really is followed up on. In the movie’s favor, Cardos really did use about 5,000 of the little buggers, and there are some nice scenes of people being cocooned in silk-webs.

‘Network with the fewest dropped calls’, my ass!

The biggest problem with Kingdom of the Spiders is that, surprisingly enough to me, it gets a bit dull in the second half, as our heroes barricade themselves inside the local lodge owned by Emma (Lieux Dressler from Truck Stop Women), and defend themselves from the approaching spiders, Night of the Living Dead style. They come through the ceiling, they come through the fireplace, the come through the doors … honestly, there are only so many ways I can watch people fend off spiders. Things get really amusing during the town attack scene, where people are running all over the place in a panic as they are being bitten by tarantulas crawling all over them. Two things occurred to me during this scene: 1. Why is everybody covered in spiders? Did they fall from the sky? And: 2. How likely is it that a person would sit perfectly still long enough to be covered in a giant silk web? Is half the town population narcoleptic?

Ok, well this guy, I can understand.

Then again, the city of Verde Valley is just a place where stupid things seem to happen. Farmer Colby’s wife (played by Altovise Davis - wife of Sammy Davis Jr) thinks that shooting at the critters is a good idea, even when one gets on her hand. Stuntman Whitey Hughes screams like a woman as he is attacked while piloting an airplane - where did these spiders all come from? (Again, the theory that they dropped from the sky is given merit.) Finally, in a hilarious bid to give the movie an environmental spin, we’re told the spiders are attacking because their food has been killed by excessive spraying of DDT. Damn the man - again! The final shot of the film is very effective - sure, it’s fake-looking, but the implications are creepy anyway. I think Verde Valley will have to cancel the fair.

Town closed due to spider invasion. Please take next exit.

Kingdom of the Spiders is what it is - amusing 70s B-grade cinema about killer spiders. It’s drive-in fare all the way, as if the actors in it didn’t tip you off already. And I personally think the Shat isn’t a bad actor. It would have been interesting to see what he did with his time in an alternate universe where Star Trek: The Motion Picture was never made.

- Bill Gordon

Honey, this is just a bad idea, no matter how you look at it.

As an aside, I found something really groovy. A massive spider web in Texas. (More info at Bug Girl’s Blog ) Seems that others have also made the connection with the ending of this movie.

Spider life imitates art.

The Good Times DVD of Kingdom of the Spiders is bare-bones and in full frame. Don’t be suckered by the “Special 25th Anniversary Edition” - there’s nothing special about this release. But it’s the only one for the time being, and the transfer is adequate.

Help me! Spock!

Snakes on a Plane (2006)

Director: David R. Ellis

Starring: Samuel L. Jackson, Julianna Margulies, Nathan Phillips, Rachel Blanchard, Flex Alexander, Kenan Thompson, Todd Louiso, Byron Lawson, David Koechner

(out of 4)

nuff said!

It’s difficult finding the right words to describe this thing called Snakes on a Plane. On the one hand it’s another case of fine-tuning of a Hollywood “product” in response to consumer demand, and a strange case at that. On the other hand, the film is surprisingly enjoyable, whether taken in terms of its status as mini-phenomenon or not.

That the title Snakes on a Plane was created as a happy-hour joke isn’t surprising. That it was greenlighted by New Line and enthusiastically accepted by Samuel L. Jackson is. The film was originally shot as a PG-13 in 2005 but in early 2006 new scenes were shot for an R rating due to huge Internet buzz and debate surrounding the movie. I mean, everyone knows that test audiences are used for most movies coming out of tinseltown to help maximize returns, but here we have a situation where people haven’t even prescreened the movie. The title alone spawned numerous online spoofs and fads, the apotheosis most likely being a photo of Jackson exclaiming “We’ve got motherfuckin’ snakes!” When, late in the movie, Jackson really does utter the line about “motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!”, and the entire audience utters it with him, you realize that it’s time to drop all pretenses about film as “art”. I’m not saying that all movies aren’t artistic visions of their respective creators or that all movies that cater to the taste of the masses are bad. What I am saying is that for how cynical the creators of Snakes on the Plane are, the final product is a damn fine piece of cheese. As they say, even a stopped clock gives the right time twice a day.

In case you haven’t been clicking the right links, Snakes on a Plane starts off not in the jungle but the beaches of Hawaii, where surfer dude Sean Jones (Nathan Phillips) witnesses a murder by bad guy Eddie Kim (Byron Lawson). That for the rest of the movie’s running time you hardly even see these two characters again is only the first of the movie’s good moves. When Kim sends goons to kill Jones, FBI Agent Nelville Flynn (Jackson) intervenes in the typical bad-ass style that we’ve come to expect from our Internet-approved cult star. How our FBI hero even knew about the murder and the witness is a mystery, but that’s really not important in a movie about snakes on a plane, is it? Anyway, Jones decides to testify, which means a 5 hour flight from Hawaii to LAX with Flynn, Jones, and a series of cookie cutter passengers. You’ve got the strong female flight attendant (her last flight, of course), the Paris Hilton knockoff complete with bag and small canine (she names her Mary Kate), the Puff Daddy-like rap star complete with two bodyguards, two kids, a baby, an asshole Brit who hates Americans, a kickboxer, and a male flight attendant who may or may not be gay.

Once we’re in the air, we finally get what we have been promised. A timer triggers the release of our favorite ophidian friends, who proceed to dispose of our passengers in gory fashion. Our first victims are a couple getting freaky in the bathroom - she gets a bite right on the nipple. Another guy goes to relieve himself only to suffer a direct bite… well, you see where this is going, don’t you? The only things sacred in this film are children - everything else is up for grabs. The snakes are mean, they’re pissed, and there are an awful lot of them. The fun lies in the competently directed chaos that ensues once the reptiles are let loose. After awhile I began to ponder - a movie that combines fear of snakes with a fear of flying - why didn’t I think of that?

Snakes on a Plane is difficult to classify. Is it camp? Well, sort of. Part of the film is certainly intentional camp, but for a movie to be a cult film it has to be serious in its ambition (see Mars Attacks for an example of intentionally campy movies that don’t work). A lot of the dialogue is suitably cheesy, as are the many variations of getting bitten by a snake. But other scenes of passengers in peril are treated with an urgent seriousness. Is it a comedy? Certainly, and much of it is surprisingly subtle (after the rapper panics and grabs a gun, he apologizes; a passenger is chosen to land the plane because of his pilot experience, later revealed to be only flight simulators, then further regressed to Playstation games). Is it horror? Yes, it’s that too (much of the violence is suitably icky). I seem to be describing a theme park ride, and I don’t think the analogy is that far off. Like other cult films (Rocky Horror comes to mind), I think the movie works on a level of group experience - a collective frame of mind, an acceptance, a willingness to be manipulated in ways we expect. It’s a phenomenon because we will it that way - after all, we helped shape it. This may be one of the first truly collaborative pieces between movie producers and their audience.

I enjoyed Todd Louiso’s performance as a snake expert, the cheerful willingness of the film to ignore physical laws, the obvious CGI snakes, and the fleeting appearance of a giant python - it comes out of nowhere and it’s disposed of just as aloofly. I enjoyed the effect of watching a woman sneak a flask onboard in a post-liquid-banning world in a “remember-those-days” frame of mind. (No mention of terrorism in the piece save for one bit of dialogue about passengers blaming the government for their problems). I enjoyed Snakes on a Plane - an almost indescribable paradox, a “serious” camp film, beta-tested and approved by the Internet, “our” movie.

-Bill Gordon

SoaP is now available on DVD.