The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies (1964)
Directed by: Ray Dennis Steckler
Starring: Ray Dennis Steckler, Carolyn Brandt, Brett O’Hara, Atlas King, Sharon Walsh, Erina Enyo, Don Russell, Joan Howard

(out of 4)

Nicolas Cage’s Lesser Known Brother

You gotta hand it to Ray Dennis Steckler. Here’s a guy who at the age of 24 scraped together $38,000 and made a low budget, no frills horror musical pretty much the way he wanted it, made himself the main lead, slapped a long funny title on it, and turned it into a minor cult phenomenon. I mean, sure, the movie is horrible - amateurishly shot (except for a few bits), with a muddy soundtrack, unattractive people, and shamelessly padded with interminable musical performances, but it’s also refreshingly earnest in the way that Ed Wood’s Plan 9 from Outer Space was earnest, and nowhere near as cringe-inducing. In fact, there are a few effective sequences, one involving the bizarre hypnotism of the lead character and another showing a surreal nightmare featuring dancing demons in face paint. The fact that it makes good use of Long Beach’s Pike Amusement Park helps - the combination of burlesque dancers, scary puppets, fortune tellers, and roller coasters constantly in motion lends the movie a kind of gritty authenticity that only Z-budget indie films can deliver.

Wait… aren’t we supposed to be attracted to exotic dancers?

Yes, the movie is called The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies!!?, a nice gimmick if you ask me. It was originally based off the long title from Kubrick’s Dr. Strangelove or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb, and I personally dig the two exclamation points closed out with a question mark, as if it was a question that a theoretical distributor or producer of the movie might have asked in disbelief over the phone. Stecker, going by the pseudonym Cash Flagg, stars as Jerry, a local miscreant who doesn’t believe in holding down a job, and doesn’t really treat women right, but still manages to attract girlfriend Angela (Sharon Walsh) despite her mother’s objections. At the midway, they visit a spooky fortune teller with a rather ugly mole and greasy appearance named Madam Estrella (Brett O’Hara), who gives them a rather ambiguous but ominous prognostication. Oh yeah, Madam Estrella happens to be a psycho who likes to pour acid on peoples faces and throw them into secret cages for reasons that the film never bothers to answer. Just go with it.

DJ Ortega and MC Estrella’s New Album Drops Soon, Beyatch!

Meanwhile, mannish-looking dancer Marge Neilson (Carolyn Brandt, later to become Steckler’s wife), after her own unfortunate session with Madam Estrella, has accidentally stumbled upon her cage of acid-scarred monsters. Estrella, along with her man-servant/pet monster Ortega (Don Russell going by the name Jack Brady), hypnotizes Jerry into doing her bidding, which of course involves offing Marge and anybody else who happens to be a threat to her caged zombie operation. Being a “mere shadow” as Estrella declares, Jerry doesn’t really seem to offer up much resistance, besides the occasional acid trip flashback/nightmare, which is admittedly cool to watch.

Darth Maul!

The plot to Strange Creatures… is razor-thin, with no complexities or twists to speak of. It boils down to a crazy carnie turning people into killer monsters, who later escape (rather easily) to get revenge, only to be shot dead by trigger happy cops. Enough for about 45 minutes, so Steckler fills out the rest of the running time with really bad musical numbers, which grind things to a halt rather quickly. I got the impression that this wouldn’t be a problem if the film was played at drive-ins (it seems like this was the intent from the start), where the musical sequences would simply serve as cues for periodic make-out sessions.

This was before shaving down there was fashionable.

Still, the film is interesting for the fact that it even exists in the first place, that it serves as a good example of guerrilla filmmaking, and that it is a giant middle finger from Steckler to Hollywood. It’s not a “good” movie by any stretch, but one still worth checking out, if you catch my drift. Speaking of drifting, the moral of the story is: don’t be a drifter. You’ll get caught in the tide created by evil gypsy fortune tellers with large moles. Hey, man, that’s just weird enough for me. Incidentally, Re/Search has good articles about the making of Strange Creatures… and interviews with Steckler, which can be found in Re/Search #10: Incredibly Strange Films.

Open Mic Night did not go well for this guy.

By the way, I have the VHS version from the defunct Camp Video (with the groovy box) but the DVD release sports commentary tracks by both Steckler and Joe Bob Briggs. There’s also the Mystery Science Theater 3000 version, but if you ever meet Steckler in person try not to bring that up.

- Bill G

Camp Video

Gotta Feed The Monkey!

Based in Las Vegas, Nevada, the now-defunct Paragon Video Productions was in business from 1981 to 1985. They released many genre movies in the VHS video rental market, along with other distributors like Continental Video, Camp Video, Media Home Entertainment, etc. Their star trail logo was simple and amusing. Their movies usually had a string of trailers in front of them.

The following trailers appear at the beginning of the VHS edition of Alien Contamination (AKA Contamination, except this is the Rated R edition). The year is 1982.

The following movie trailers are seen:

Boardinghouse (1982) - Trailers are normally supposed to make you want to see a movie. Curiously, this one has the opposite effect!

For Your Love Only (1977) - This is actually an “episode” of the long running German TV series “Tatort”. This particular episode-turned-into-movie stars Nastassja Kinski and was directed by Wolfgang Petersen (”Das Boot”).

The Witching (1972) - AKA “Necromancy”, and yes, that’s Orson Welles. Another “gem” from Bert I. Gordon, and nobody cutting this trailer saw fit to give any credits to anybody.. wonder why…It should be noted that this 1983 re-edit of the film, apparently for the worse.

Molly & Lawless John (1972) - This one has Vera Miles (Psycho 1 and 2), Sam Elliott, and Clu Gulager.

Just Before Dawn (1981) - In-the-woods shocker starring George Kennedy.

One Armed Executioner (1983)- Revenge flick starring that one guy and that other guy too.

Funeral Home (1980) - Reminds us of the Don’t trailer from Grindhouse.

The Gates of Hell (1980) - Yes, this is the altered version of Fulci’s City of the Living Dead.

Hotwire (1980) - Apparently George Kennedy is in this one also. Looks like some kind of Southern-fried car thief flick.

Finishing out is the Paragon Video logo.

By the way, Critical Condition has a nice page dedicated to Paragon’s VHS Video Covers.

The Machine Girl (2008)

Directed by: Noboru Iguchi
Starring: Minase Yashiro, Asami, Nobuhiro Nishimura, Honoka, Kentaro Shimazu, Ryousuke Kawamura

(out of 4)

Wow, don’t I feel inadequate!

About 13 minutes in to Noboru Iguchi’s Kataude mashin gâru (from here on referred to as The Machine Girl), teenage yakuza/ninja in training Sho (Nobuhiro Nishimura) is made to drink his father’s (Kentaro Shimazu) blood, which flows from dad’s wrist to son’s mouth in copious amounts of crimson, to “strengthen their bond”. Of course, by this time, we’ve already seen our heroine Ami Hyuga (a cute and tough Minase Yashiro in her first acting role) take revenge on multiple teen yakuza bullies by blasting them to pieces with a machine gun attached to the stump where her arm used to be.

The Machine Girl is full of flying limbs, decapitated heads, chopped fingers, and spurting blood so plentiful that in some scenes it sprays the camera lens - just one of the few homages to Sam Raimi’s Evil Dead  movies (the giveaway is the arm-machine-gun attachment, which in 2008 generates comparisons to Rodriguez’ Planet Terror, but when I see souped-up ass-kicker Ami dispatch multiple assholes in gory fashion, it seems to me like she’s a certain reincarnation of Bruce Campbell’s Ash). And like Ash, who was a mild mannered S-Mart employee turned unwanted hero, so too, is Ami: originally non-violent, shunned by her community for crimes her parents didn’t commit, wrongfully called a murderer, and having her brother Yu (Ryôsuke Kawamura) killed by Sho’s gang, she is finally driven to ironically fulfill the role assigned to her.

Oh my God! They’ve killed Kenny! You Bastards!

Later on, when physically tortured by Sho’s family, which includes the completely insane dragon lady mom (Honoka - another AV actress hottie who would be at home in a Tarantino flick), Ami begins her physical transformation into monster/instrument of revenge. But by that time, her psyche has already started the journey. Speaking of Tarantino, comparisons between Ami and Uma Thurman’s bride from the Kill Bill movies is not off the mark. Even the beginning title sequence seems ripped from Tarantino, who of course gets his inspiration from 70s grindhouse cinema. So it’s the east stealing from the west stealing from the east, and around and around we go!

Let’s be honest here - this movie isn’t for the kids. While it’s true that the film is done up like a live action anime (the music sounds like it comes straight out of Dragonball Z; the camera likes to pan right to left over a character’s face, just like in anime), and much of the gore is delivered over the top with humorous intent (think Riki-Oh, or maybe early Peter Jackson splatter like Bad Taste and Dead-Alive), it’s still pretty harsh stuff. Ami spraying blood from a headless victim into the face of the victim’s dad may be funny for the sheer balls of it, but seriously, damn. What about the poor chef forced to eat sushi made from his own fingers or the mother and son who have the tops of their heads sliced off and exchanged? I think you get the idea.

Not bad, but needs more soy and wasabi

Then again, bubbling up through all the pools of blood is this concept of that blood’s capacity to bond a family together. Whether someone is good or evil, they always have parents who love them, right? The strong ties between Ami and her brother, Sho and his parents, Takeshi and his parents Suguru and Miki, take center stage. For example, the ninja squad sent to kill Ami and Miki (Japanese model Asami - also hot) are, of course, slaughtered in gory fashion. The grieving parents are then recruited into the “Super Mourner Gang” to get revenge. (They all wear pictures of their slain sons on their chest, while occasionally shouting out their kids names). Iguchi is interested in exploring themes of revenge begetting revenge, and of blood feuds, and of the bonds between parents and children. That is, when he’s not aiming geysers of blood at us.

The performances, especially from the female leads, are energetic which matches director Iguchi’s hyper kinetic visual style of filming. It’s Honoka’s evil babe Mamma Hattori that steals the show, however - her character is completely off the deep end - I mean, her weapon of choice is a drill bra. That’s right, a drill bra.

Comes from the Victoria’s Secret in Akihabara

The Machine Girl is surreal, gory, offensive, funny, outrageous, twisted, and absolutely, positively Japanese.

- Bill G

Don’t Answer the Phone! (1980)
Directed by: Robert Hammer
Starring: James Westmoreland, Ben Frank, Flo Gerrish, Nicholas Worth

1/2   (out of 4)

Prime Evil (1988)
Directed by: Roberta Findlay
Starring: William Beckwith, Christine Moore, Mavis Harris, Max Jacobs, Tim Gail, George Krause

1/2 (out of 4)

This Bud’s for you!

I missed out on the Grindhouse experience. But I can imagine what it must have been like. (I appreciated the Weinstein’s Grindhouse, even though it’s just a simulation). The days of old movie theaters with midnight showings, smokers, and pee-smells are over. But the Grindhouse DoubleFeature series, put out by BCI/Eclipse, tries to give us a sample of what was once run on those dirty screens. So far they’ve released a few double feature DVDs, like Sonny Chiba movies, T&A flicks, exploitation action pics, etc.

One of their horror releases is a double header of Don’t Answer the Phone and Prime Evil.

Don’t Answer the Phone is everything you expect out of a 70s/80s grindhouse horror item. It is actually a pretty solid exploitation flick involving a crazy Vietnam vet who likes to strangle women. When he’s not doing that, he’s lifting weights like a madman, talking to his (presumably dead) dad (”Are you proud of me now? Do I measure up?”), creating bizarre shrines to Jesus, and making prank calls to female psychologist Dr. Gale’s (Flo Gerrish) talk radio show (sometimes he poses as a guy named “Ramone”). He’s a huge, ugly dude, and on top of that he moonlights as a sleazy photographer. Yes, this guy is everything you hate about humanity all rolled up into one convenient package.

Who would Jesus strangle?

The surprise is how effective actor Nicolas Worth is at pulling it off. He basically hams up the screen but he’s damn entertaining. Helping him out is director Hammer and writer Mike Castle, who don’t try to explain the killer’s condition too much or zero in on the real reason he does what he does. There’s a few hints at some kind of religious motive but we never really find out, which is probably for the best.

You can break out the exploitation checklist for a movie like this. Crazed strangler? Check. Topless female victims? Check. Sleazy drug addicts… incompetent asshole policemen… twisted psychology… disturbing violence… all there. The icing on the cake is the “comedy” scene involving an impromptu bust at a brothel, where the whores try to snort the evidence and the “freak” clients make a break for the exits, all set to a wacky theme. Well, I guess a scene like this is necessary.

Lady, maybe if you quit doing that, he wouldn’t need a bandage on his head.

There is some emotional weight to Dr. Gale’s therapy sessions with her female clients, just before their inevitable demise. It adds a layer of sympathy with the victims that you wouldn’t normally get in a standard stalk’n’slasher. But let’s not kid ourselves - the movie’s setup is titilation, and it’s knock-down is strangulation. Certainly not for all tastes.

The biggest mystery surrounding Don’t Answer the Phone is why it deserves to be lumped in with that series of movies that begins with the word “Don’t”, and what phones have to do with anything. Why would you think a movie like this is titled “Don’t Answer the Phone”? Perhaps the killer strangles you while you’re on the phone? Eh, not really. Maybe he calls you before he kills you? No, that doesn’t really happen either. Ok, so he strangles women with a phone cord? Nope. Not even close. If anyone out there can figure out what not answering telephones has to do with this movie, please phone us immediately.

Hey Satan, does this outfit make me look fat?

The second feature on the DVD is some flick from 1988 about Satanic monks called Prime Evil, and it’s a prime piece of crap. Grindhouse? Yeah, right - I wouldn’t show this stinker on the side of a wall in somebody’s backyard. Incompetent to the extreme, it’s shot in soap opera style, has some of the worst acting I’ve seen in some time, and is basically all around dumb. The bad casting decisions, while applicable to just about every major character, are especially egregious in regards to the main villains. William Beckwith is laughable as the so-called evil Father Seaton (get it?) and George Krause as the Satanic henchmen named Ben is about as “menacing” as Stephen Furst. I mean, it’s not like I’m comparing the guy to Arnold Schwarzenegger - I’m just comparing him to Nicolas Worth.

I can’t even be bothered to discuss the plot, which is complete nonsense involving virgin sacrifices for 13 years of immortality and whatnot. I just have the painful memory of the so-called priest coming on to our virginal heroine like a frat boy during Rush week. Hey, the idea of being lip-locked with a horny priest doesn’t seem to faze her, so why should we be concerned? And our undercover nun’s sad story about being abused by Satanists is amusing for all the wrong reasons.

Hi, I’m here from Dial-A-Thug for the henchman job.

Watching this movie, I got flashbacks to another similar crapfest called Embrace of the Vampire, which in many ways is the sister to this flick, except the pain of watching that one was offset a bit by a very hot and naked Alyssa Milano. There’s also a strange similarity in plot to, believe it or not, Manos: The Hands of Fate. I’m pretty sure this is the movie Hal Warren would make if he were alive today.

The best part of this “movie” is that once in awhile a nice pair of breasts turns up. I believe I counted 5 different pairs of boobies. At least that’s something to keep you interested. There are also some shots of a nice red Satan puppet. Some makeup intern obviously spent a lot of time on that puppet. It’s a good puppet.

Aww. Satan Puppet is so cute when he’s sleeping.

The most interesting thing about Prime Evil is that it was directed by Roberta Findlay, who was involved with her husband Michael Findlay in a number of 70s sex-and-sleaze-fests. After her husband died in a helicopter accident, she got into hardcore porn and then started cranking out zero budget flotsam like this movie. Hey, a gal’s gotta make a living.

- Bill Gordon

The rest of the disc includes grainy trailers for Horror High, Werewolf vs the Vampire Women, Blood Mania, and Night of the Werewolf.

The Dark (1979)

Directed by: John “Bud” Cardos

Starring: William Devane, Cathy Lee Crosby, Richard Jaeckel, Keenan Wynn, Jacquelyn Hyde, Casey Kasem

(out of 4)

these new contacts hurt

Tobe Hooper is a pretty good director. He gave us the classics Texas Chain Saw Massacre, Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, Poltergeist, and Lifeforce. Oh yeah, he also worked on this dull piece of crap known as The Dark for a handful of days, before the executive producers of the film, Derek Power and Igo Kantor, fired him and brought in John ‘Bud’ Cardos (Kingdom of the Spiders) to take his place. I guess it goes to show that in addition to talent, sometimes it helps to be lucky.

John ‘Bud’ Cardos seems like a nice guy and all, but I can’t quite let him off the hook for this ridiculous late 70s alien monster flick. He did another movie called Outlaw of Gor, which was so bad it got savaged on MST3K. (Mike Nelson says it best: You really undermine your authority when you put “Bud” in the middle of your name). Perhaps the guy is just unlucky.

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