The Devil Rides Out (1968)
Director: Terence Fisher
Starring: Christopher Lee, Charles Gray, Nike Arrighi, Leon Greene, Patrick Mower, Sarah Lawson, Paul Eddington, Rosalyn Landor

(out of 4)

Can you count, suckers?

The Devil Rides Out is a Hammer film about a group of friends fighting against devil worshippers led by a powerful priest named Mocata (Charles Gray). Taking a rare turn as the good guy, Christopher Lee plays Duc de Richleau, the worldly expert on the occult who must summon all his knowledge to defeat the forces of darkness. Thrown in the mix is Richleau’s niece Marie Eaton (Sarah Lawson), her husband Richard (Paul Eddington) and daughter Peggy(Rosalyn Landor), Richleau’s longtime friends Rex (Leon Greene) and Simon (Patrick Mower), and Rex’s love interest Tanith (Nike Arrighi).

The beginning of The Devil Rides Out wastes no time, as Duc and Rex rescue Simon and Tanith from a baptismal ceremony, only to be pursued by Mocata, who wants them back. Mocata, a gentlemanly figure with piercing blue eyes, is strong with the black arts - he has powers of possession, hypnotism, and can even summon Satan himself if he needs to (the devil appears once as the “goat of Mendez” - just go with it). Before the movie is through, we have seen animal sacrifices, giant spiders, a car chase involving 1930s-era automobiles, the angel of Death, and some mumbo-jumbo involving time reversals.

Rex, fetch me my golden gun and lightsaber.

The importance of Lee’s acting presence can’t be stressed enough. Taking a role that might have gone to Peter Cushing, Lee is the glue that holds the entire thing together. Exuding intelligence and confidence, Lee makes you believe in his character, so when he starts chanting strange spells you can accept it without eyerolls. It makes the dated special effects (like the giant spider sequence) acceptable. There are some effective moments, like the appearance of a demon appearing as an African savage, or Mocata’s ability to take over Marie’s will through calm speaking and an icy stare. I also noticed the amount of influence this film may have had over later movies like Poltergeist 2 (the illusion of girl Peggy being threatened; also, Mocata’s visit to the house seems like a direct influence of the “Caine” visit). It is also interesting to note that the character of Duc de Richleau, while in service of the Christian God and Jesus Christ, doesn’t hesitate to initiate bizarre pagan rituals, draw circles of protection against occult aggression, or hold your everyday seance. Whatever does the job, I guess!

These Bohemian Grove parties can be really freaky!

The only problem I had with the character of Duc de Richleau was his reluctance to inform his colleagues of nature of the danger they face and sufficiently arm them with that knowledge. They occasionally screw up, and he yells “You damned fool!” at them, but why didn’t he properly warn them in the first place? I was also puzzled over the affection Rex had for Tanith, which was murky in its backstory and seemed only to serve to move the plot forward. It’s also curious that Rex’s voice was dubbed in by Patrick Allen (what gives?). Minor quibbles, however. The Devil Rides Out is a good Saturday afternoon flick best experienced for its atmosphere, not logic or believability. It’s also proof that much more can be found in Hammer horror (and from director Terence Fisher) than Dracula or Frankenstein.

- Bill G

Hey, we’re ridin’ out later! It’s good to be me!

Superstition (1982)
Director: James W. Roberson
Starring: James Houghton, Albert Salmi, Lynn Carlin, Larry Pennell, Jacquelyn Hyde, Stacy Keach Sr.,

(out of 4)

Ah, the old Head-in-the-Microwave Gag!

WARNING: Some spoilers ahead.

Superstition is a Canadian flick (I think) from 1982, but I would swear it was directed by somebody like Umberto Lenzi or Lamberto Bava. It plays like an alternate universe version of Argento’s Suspiria, if it was directed by somebody like Lucio Fulci. In other words, it’s just plain bad, but gory enough and silly enough to keep one interested. There are no real characters in this movie, just meat for the grinder. Basically, Superstition is a succession of kills strung together to a funny prog soundtrack (by David Gibney, doing his best Goblin impersonation). It’s also partly produced by Kassar and Vajna - how the hell did they get involved in this?

Some of the kills are gory (spinning blade through the torso), some disturbing (spike through a girl’s forehead), some stupid (guy cut in half by a window pane - how the hell does that happen?), some funny (exploding head in microwave) and some downright boring (hanging, body thrown around room). But there certainly are a lot of them.

Works better than Advil

So who’s causing all this commotion? Well it turns out that many years ago, a witch was sentenced to drowning, and in order to keep her in the lake, a special cross was tossed in to make sure she keeps out of trouble. Folks, it didn’t work. The priest who sentenced her to a watery grave gives no good reason why she isn’t just burned. I guess his heart wasn’t in it? As soon as she hits the water the village burns down. Bad sign #1. Soon the poor priest finds himself crushed to death. Bad sign #2. That cross must obviously be defective.

It’s years later, and the witch is still at it - killing anybody who comes near the lake, and the old house in front of it. I think the creators of this movie wanted an Amityville vibe, but there isn’t much time to build up a mood in that regard, with all the slaughtering going on. What we do get is a clueless reverend named David Thompson, a cowardly dad, a few babes, a kid, a priest, a strange old lady and her retarded son, an incompetent detective (played by Albert Salmi, who in real life would later die with his wife in a murder/suicide), and a girl who may or may not be a ghost. The priest is killed early on by a spinning circular saw blade, which flies across the room at him. The fact that it is still spinning under some ghostly power as it burrows through his chest seems to be of no importance to those who witnessed it. Rev. David Thompson says he’s shaken up, but otherwise reacts as if he just witnessed a minor rear end collision. The rest of the running time is filled with people running back and forth in full panic mode, but for some reason failing to run in the one direction that might save them, namely out the front door.

This is not a dream. We are speaking to you from the year one, nine…

Spoiler: everybody dies in this film. Well, why shouldn’t they? They have created a monster (not shown, by the way, except for monster hands with claws) that has pretty much been established as invincible. You gotta wonder about movies like this where Satan can do whatever he wants. Crosses don’t work (well, one cross sort-of-works) ,priests are useless. Hey, God! We could use a little more help down here! After a while, one wonders if they should just drain the pond, bulldoze the place and put up condos or something. Maybe the witch will want to be superintendent.

-Bill G

Bad Day at Sunday School

Children of the Corn (1984)

Director: Fritz Kiersch

Starring: Peter Horton, Linda Hamilton, John Franklin, Courtney Gains, Robby Kiger, Anne Marie McEvoy

1/2   (out of 4)

Too much strawberry ice cream makes me sick.

Children of the Corn was originally a Stephen King short story. I haven’t read it. But if this movie is any indication of what the book is like, I’ll never be reading it. Before the opening credits even roll, we’re treated to voiceover narration by the movie’s main kid hero Jobe (Robby Kiger). “It was about 3 years ago. I was the only kid in church that day…”. Oh Jesus, here we go. Massive exposition voiced by a kid. The strong suit of horror movies (and I think, most Stephen King novels) is in the power of the image, but before we even see anything we have to listen to a boy dumb it down for us.

Not much of any interest happens after the beginning slaughter scene in a diner. We learn that a boy preacher named Isaac (John Franklin) has created a cult based around some demon in the corn fields of Gatlin, Nebraska. His right hand man is an older teen named Malachai (played by Courtney Gains, a good casting decision. Back in 1984 he looked like some Amish kid gone off the deep end). At Isaac’s command, all adults in town are brutally killed. Three years later, nobody outside of Gatlin seems to have given a shit, and the kids are still busy doing their cult thing when yuppie couple Burt (Peter Horton) and Vicky (Linda Hamilton) stumble into town.

Gatlin: City of Ethanol and High Fructose Corn Syrup!

Let’s get the religious symbolism out of the way: Malachi was originally the first of the Biblical minor prophets, meaning “God’s helper/God’s messenger”. It may be helpful to know that the Book of Malachi, the last book in the Hebrew Old Testament, was written in response to corruption of the Israelites, particularly the priests. Armed with this knowledge, we can successfully predict the outcome of the movie Malachi’s relationship with boy-priest Isaac. The Biblical Isaac, of course, is the son of Abraham. You might be tempted to believe that Children of the Corn is taking potshots at Judaism but this seems doubtful in light of Burt’s later comment that any religion not based on love and compassion is a false one. Then again, the Old Testament isn’t exactly a shining example of God’s love, as it involves a lot of blood, death, and sacrifice. It also doesn’t help matters that all the cult members are children. Is that how Stephen King sees religious folk?

Anyway, this is all academic. It’s more fun to talk about this movie than it is to watch it, because the thing is mediocre in just about every sense. There’s no particular imagery of any staying power to take away, except maybe flashes of the Nebraska cornfields, but even that is underutilized. There’s nothing particularly scary, threatening, or suspenseful either. The thing just sort of plods along, with our two heroes driving down lonely highways for what seems like an eternity. The movie occasionally will throw us a bone, like a murder of a gas station attendant, but even that sequence is rather dull and uninspired.

Just lie back and think of Kyle Reese

The characters of Burt and Vicky aren’t exactly the brightest bulbs either. They turn on the car radio and become annoyed at hearing some preacher’s voice, but don’t seem to know that if you turn that little knob thingy you might be able to listen to something else. Burt leaves Vicky alone with little girl psychic Sarah. Guess who ends up kidnapped and tied to a sacrificial cross? Watching Linda Hamilton tied up in the middle of a cornfield gave me a brief flashback to The Wicker Man, but it was only brief. Let’s not kid ourselves.

The ending deals with turning the cornfield into a “lake of fire” to kill the monster/demon thing, but it’s not executed with any particular flair (the word “uninspired” will creep into your head alot during this film). The movie’s budget is too limited to try to show the monster anyway - we just get to see something moving under the field and the occasional explosion or cheesy animation. Even the final “boo” ending is handled with no particular care - when the words “The End” pop up on the screen before our survivors even have the time to drive out of frame, it seems like the creators have been waiting the whole movie to do it. This is probably what happens when people get the bright idea to turn a short story into a 90 minute feature.

We want Menudo!

I have seen worse movies than Children of the Corn, but not many that just seem to be going through the motions. This one left me feeling apathetic. It’s more like a TV movie adaptation than a theatrical film. Quite frankly, how this flick generated 6, count em, 6 sequels is beyond me - I can only assume some cheesy cornfield deity was involved. Nebraska deserves better.

- Bill Gordon

Don’t Answer the Phone! (1980)
Directed by: Robert Hammer
Starring: James Westmoreland, Ben Frank, Flo Gerrish, Nicholas Worth

1/2   (out of 4)

Prime Evil (1988)
Directed by: Roberta Findlay
Starring: William Beckwith, Christine Moore, Mavis Harris, Max Jacobs, Tim Gail, George Krause

1/2 (out of 4)

This Bud’s for you!

I missed out on the Grindhouse experience. But I can imagine what it must have been like. (I appreciated the Weinstein’s Grindhouse, even though it’s just a simulation). The days of old movie theaters with midnight showings, smokers, and pee-smells are over. But the Grindhouse DoubleFeature series, put out by BCI/Eclipse, tries to give us a sample of what was once run on those dirty screens. So far they’ve released a few double feature DVDs, like Sonny Chiba movies, T&A flicks, exploitation action pics, etc.

One of their horror releases is a double header of Don’t Answer the Phone and Prime Evil.

Don’t Answer the Phone is everything you expect out of a 70s/80s grindhouse horror item. It is actually a pretty solid exploitation flick involving a crazy Vietnam vet who likes to strangle women. When he’s not doing that, he’s lifting weights like a madman, talking to his (presumably dead) dad (”Are you proud of me now? Do I measure up?”), creating bizarre shrines to Jesus, and making prank calls to female psychologist Dr. Gale’s (Flo Gerrish) talk radio show (sometimes he poses as a guy named “Ramone”). He’s a huge, ugly dude, and on top of that he moonlights as a sleazy photographer. Yes, this guy is everything you hate about humanity all rolled up into one convenient package.

Who would Jesus strangle?

The surprise is how effective actor Nicolas Worth is at pulling it off. He basically hams up the screen but he’s damn entertaining. Helping him out is director Hammer and writer Mike Castle, who don’t try to explain the killer’s condition too much or zero in on the real reason he does what he does. There’s a few hints at some kind of religious motive but we never really find out, which is probably for the best.

You can break out the exploitation checklist for a movie like this. Crazed strangler? Check. Topless female victims? Check. Sleazy drug addicts… incompetent asshole policemen… twisted psychology… disturbing violence… all there. The icing on the cake is the “comedy” scene involving an impromptu bust at a brothel, where the whores try to snort the evidence and the “freak” clients make a break for the exits, all set to a wacky theme. Well, I guess a scene like this is necessary.

Lady, maybe if you quit doing that, he wouldn’t need a bandage on his head.

There is some emotional weight to Dr. Gale’s therapy sessions with her female clients, just before their inevitable demise. It adds a layer of sympathy with the victims that you wouldn’t normally get in a standard stalk’n’slasher. But let’s not kid ourselves - the movie’s setup is titilation, and it’s knock-down is strangulation. Certainly not for all tastes.

The biggest mystery surrounding Don’t Answer the Phone is why it deserves to be lumped in with that series of movies that begins with the word “Don’t”, and what phones have to do with anything. Why would you think a movie like this is titled “Don’t Answer the Phone”? Perhaps the killer strangles you while you’re on the phone? Eh, not really. Maybe he calls you before he kills you? No, that doesn’t really happen either. Ok, so he strangles women with a phone cord? Nope. Not even close. If anyone out there can figure out what not answering telephones has to do with this movie, please phone us immediately.

Hey Satan, does this outfit make me look fat?

The second feature on the DVD is some flick from 1988 about Satanic monks called Prime Evil, and it’s a prime piece of crap. Grindhouse? Yeah, right - I wouldn’t show this stinker on the side of a wall in somebody’s backyard. Incompetent to the extreme, it’s shot in soap opera style, has some of the worst acting I’ve seen in some time, and is basically all around dumb. The bad casting decisions, while applicable to just about every major character, are especially egregious in regards to the main villains. William Beckwith is laughable as the so-called evil Father Seaton (get it?) and George Krause as the Satanic henchmen named Ben is about as “menacing” as Stephen Furst. I mean, it’s not like I’m comparing the guy to Arnold Schwarzenegger - I’m just comparing him to Nicolas Worth.

I can’t even be bothered to discuss the plot, which is complete nonsense involving virgin sacrifices for 13 years of immortality and whatnot. I just have the painful memory of the so-called priest coming on to our virginal heroine like a frat boy during Rush week. Hey, the idea of being lip-locked with a horny priest doesn’t seem to faze her, so why should we be concerned? And our undercover nun’s sad story about being abused by Satanists is amusing for all the wrong reasons.

Hi, I’m here from Dial-A-Thug for the henchman job.

Watching this movie, I got flashbacks to another similar crapfest called Embrace of the Vampire, which in many ways is the sister to this flick, except the pain of watching that one was offset a bit by a very hot and naked Alyssa Milano. There’s also a strange similarity in plot to, believe it or not, Manos: The Hands of Fate. I’m pretty sure this is the movie Hal Warren would make if he were alive today.

The best part of this “movie” is that once in awhile a nice pair of breasts turns up. I believe I counted 5 different pairs of boobies. At least that’s something to keep you interested. There are also some shots of a nice red Satan puppet. Some makeup intern obviously spent a lot of time on that puppet. It’s a good puppet.

Aww. Satan Puppet is so cute when he’s sleeping.

The most interesting thing about Prime Evil is that it was directed by Roberta Findlay, who was involved with her husband Michael Findlay in a number of 70s sex-and-sleaze-fests. After her husband died in a helicopter accident, she got into hardcore porn and then started cranking out zero budget flotsam like this movie. Hey, a gal’s gotta make a living.

- Bill Gordon

The rest of the disc includes grainy trailers for Horror High, Werewolf vs the Vampire Women, Blood Mania, and Night of the Werewolf.

Lost Souls (2000) 1/2 (out of 4)

Directed by: Janusz Kaminski

Starring: Winona Ryder, Ben Chaplin, Sarah Wynter, Philip Baker Hall, John Hurt, Elias Koteas

Bless the Child (2000) (out of 4)

Directed by: Chuck Russell

Starring: Kim Basinger, Jimmy Smits, Holliston Coleman, Rufus Sewell, Angela Bettis, Christina Ricci

she can steal my clothes anytime!

The “Devil Movie” bandwagon probably started in 1997 with The Devil’s Advocate, but the closer we got to the year 2000 the faster Tinseltown executives starting jumping on it. After Stigmata, End of Days and The Ninth Gate came these two religious thrillers - Lost Souls and Bless the Child - each one with their own special take on the imminent end-of-world scenario where, apparently, angels and demons have great supernatural powers but not enough to stop a bullet. Both movies concern the return of a Biblical figure - in the case of Bless the Child it’s Christ and in the case of Lost Souls, the Antichrist - the believability of the scenario in each film is stretched beyond the breaking point, even if you consider yourself a Christian, so it becomes necessary to suspend your disbelief and accept the concepts these films use as a foundation. Once reaching that point, how does each film fare in terms of plot, characterization, acting, suspense, and so forth?

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