For Halloween night, or for any late Saturday night for that matter, Horror Fan Zine would like to recommend ten of some of the cheesiest horror movies ever put down on celluloid. If you’re feeling particularly cheesy this evening, grab yourself some Fontina and settle down with these “classics”?
10. I Drink Your Blood (1970)
Well don’t just stand there! Grab a plate!
I Drink Your Blood came out in 1970 on a double bill with I Eat Your Skin. It was the first film to be rated X by the MPAA based solely on violence. This is probably because of the nude Satan worshiping, rabies-infected zombies, grandpas force-fed acid, violence done to pregnant women, heads ripped off, and extreme water-hosing.
Yes, a bunch of Satanist hippies (really, are there any other kind?) attack a local family in various ways until little Pete decides to feed them rabies-infected meatpies. Big mistake – pretty soon a rabid plague has spread to the entire town.
Fortunately, the infected have an intense fear of water. This is where the water hose comes in. Obviously, this exploitation film was meant to cash in on both Night of the Living Dead and the whole Manson debacle. It was pretty twisted for its time. Hell, it’s pretty twisted today.
We love the classic line: “Let it be known, sons and daughters, that Satan was an acid head. Drink from his cup; pledge yourselves. And together, we’ll all freak out.” Also watch for cult item Lynn Lowry (The Crazies).
9. TerrorVision (1986)
Enemy Mine 2: Electric Boogaloo
Terrorvision is way too funny. It takes nothing seriously. We’ve got a crazy family where grandpa is a survivalist (he doesn’t survive long), the parents are swingers (cuz that’s what 80s suburban couples did), and the kids are dumber than rocks. The whole thing feels so 80s, but that’s quite ok with us.
The Putterman’s hook up their brand new satellite dish. Unfortunately, Pluthar, an alien sanitation worker, accidentally beams the “waste” of a mutated alien monster in the wrong direction. The satellite dish picks it up and occasionally transports it to the living room. Pluthar appears on TV from time to time, apologizing profusely.
People of Earth, A stray energy beam from my substation may be headed for your solar system, and could possibly result in the total annihilation of your species. I’m so terribly sorry for the inconvenience.
We wonder if this is a sly jab at the Reagan administration and companies polluting the environment. Yes, we’re sure of it! We also think the movie skewers television and is giving commentary on the suburban family, media-obsessed and self-absorbed. Well, that’s what we think, anyway. You probably won’t care – you’ll be too busy looking at Elvira-knockoff Medusa’s huge breasts (Jennifer Richards, holy crap!) and laughing at the antics of the sister’s heavy metal boyfriend aptly named “O.D.”
Dig oblivious Grandpa Putterman’s commentary on MTV: Intellectual decay! Turn it off, it’ll rot your brain cells! and Monster movies are educational. They’re survival oriented.
Suzy Putterman explains television to the monster: Next to food and music, this is mankind’s greatest invention.
The special effects are gooey but not overly gross. Not like, um, Street Trash.
8. Street Trash (1987)
This is why we always go to ABC
Street Trash is a gleefully distasteful journey into the lives of NYC bums. A liquor store owner finds a crate of hooch from the 20s called Viper? and proceeds to sell it to the derelicts for $1 a bottle. Too bad that one swig of the stuff melts the drinker into a multi-colored pile of goo. Reveling in its depravity, the movie is fun, even though it features such loveable sequences as junkyard bums playing hot-potato with a man’s severed penis, a cop puking on a mafia hit-man on purpose, gang-rape, necrophelia, exploding bums, and general sleaziness. The funniest bits involve a mafia boss (Tony Darrow) and a doorman (James Lorinz) trading insults.
There are so many gross-out gags in Street Trash, we think it might make a good party movie. As long as Beavis and Butthead are at said party. So is the movie a call to arms in the war on poverty? More likely, it’s a war on alcoholism (that first sip will kill ya). All we know is that they don’t make movies like this anymore. Well, actually, nobody ever made a movie like this. We think it’s some kind of fluke in the history of exploitation cinema. But what a glorious fluke! Just be prepared to shower afterwards. Review here.
7. The Beyond (1981)
Soft contacts, my ass!
Look, Fulci is amusing, no doubt about it. But we don’t get all the love for The Beyond. It’s gory, for sure. But as serious horror? You must be kidding! A woman actually says in the film: You can have carte blanche, but not a blank check. Things happen for no reason and make no particular sense. A woman’s face is melted off by a vat of some kind of acid. Where did the vat come from? Who tipped it over? Who cares?
The Beyond concerns an old hotel in Louisiana inherited by New Yorker Katherine MacColl. She meets Dave Warbeck, a local doctor. So, you must know by now that we’ve got MacColl and Warbeck in another cult Italian cheesfest! The hotel happens to sit right on top of one of the seven doors to hell. Damn, there go the property values! You might have been able to sell the place in the early 2000s but with this sub prime meltdown and it’s a portal to hell? Good luck, buddy!
Known for crazy gore like, a nail going through somebody’s head and coming out of their eye, a ripoff of Argento’s Suspiria where a woman’s dog rips her throat out, fake tarantulas eating a guy’s face off in a completely fake manner, and a girl’s head being blown off real good. We love how the movie establishes that head-shots kill the zombies, but nobody seems to figure that out as they keep aiming for the torsos. We think untrained monkeys would figure this stuff out quicker.
The best part is the ending where our heroes end up blind and in hell. It’s actually pretty damn creepy and one of the scenes that stay with you. Read Bill’s review of The Beyond here.
6. The Stuff (1985)
Live yogurt cultures. Very live.
The Stuff concerns a white creamy substance discovered bubbling up out of the earth. The guy who discovers it decides to taste it. We’re not sure that tasting things that bubble up out of the earth is a good idea, but what do we know? Anyway, the stuff tastes so good, that some people decide to bottle it up and sell it in stores. The “Stuff” soon becomes the most addicting substance ever sold in your local ice cream section.
A young boy, a corporate spy (Michael Moriarty), Garrett Morris, and Paul Sorvino soon discover that the stuff turns people into mindless drones only interested in more stuff. And when the stuff decides to come out of your body, it comes out in a particularly nasty way.
Part The Blob, part jab at mass-consumerism and mass-marketing, part commentary on the cold war, The Stuff is low-budget but creative in its use of effects. It was directed by Larry Cohen who gave us God Told Me To, Q – The Winged Serpent, and It’s Alive. Great turns by Morris and Sorvino in it. Eat a large bowl of ice cream when you watch it.