Ten Cheesy Horror Movies
Entries 1 – 5
5. Troll 2 (1990)
Troll 2 may very well be one of the worst movies ever put to film. It’s also pretty damn funny. The first thing to remember is that Troll 1 wasn’t exactly a masterpiece of suspense. One wonders why somebody thought it would be a good idea to do a sequel. Speaking of sequels, this is one in name only, the biggest reason being that there ain’t one “troll” in the whole thing. The name “troll” isn’t even mentioned.
No, what we got here is some good old fashioned goblins. Yep. They trick this family into going out to a town called Nilbog which is Goblin spelled backwards, in case you are a complete idiot and couldn’t figure it out. Oh, did we mention that the entire family are idiots?
The idea is that the goblins feed you bad food, and then you turn into a plant or something, and then they eat you. That’s the plan, anyway, and given the level of intelligence of the characters in this film, the plan seems to work out pretty well.
The new Harry Potter is really dark.
The acting in this movie, incidentally, is just like, say, plants. It’s probably the worst we have ever seen, and trust us, we’ve seen alot. Basically, we’re scraping the bottom of the barrel here in terms of “film,” but you’ll laugh your ass off. Watch the little boy attempt to stop his family from eating goblin-tainted food by peeing on it. His daddy yells at him, telling him not to piss on hospitality. The sister tells her boyfriend If my father discovers you here, he’d cut off your little nuts and eat them. The boyfriend seems self conscious about being labeled as a homo. So why does he choose to spend the entire film with his boy-groupie-friends? And sleep with one in the same bed with his shirt off?
We love the scene involving A double-decker bologna sandwich! which is the deus-ex-machina that saves little Joshua from the bad goblins! Then there’s the popcorn scene. Dear God, the popcorn scene.
Yep, Troll 2 is nightmare material, for all the wrong reasons. Watch it with friends and lots of booze. Our review here.
4. Manos: The Hands Of Fate (1966)
Torgo, your dance steps are getting better!
If you are brave – really brave – you’ll find yourself a copy of Hal Warren’s abomination titled Manos: The Hands of Fate in the non-MST3K form. Yes, that means you have to watch it without Joel, Crow, and Tom Servo commentary. See if you can do it – consider it an endurance test.
You may find yourself quoting the bots. You may find yourself making up new amusing insults. But chances are you might just skewer your eyes out with sharp objects.
Personally, we find Manos rather hilarious on its own. It’s like coming across old abandoned footage in somebody’s basement. All grainy, and you aren’t sure what you’re in for. Torgo, with the big knees, is the movie’s anti-hero. He’s supposed to be a satyr, see, but due to budget constraints…. Ah yes, budget constraints. Those will get ya! Good thing Hal Warren had fertilizer sales to fall back upon.
The highlight of the movie, naturally, is the tupperware party that turns into a woman’s wrestling tournament. We also dig The Master, played by Tom Neyman, who is not menacing in the slightest but really really wants to be. And the scenes of endless driving footage are enough to make you want to stay out of Texas forever.
By the way, you may be interested to know that John Reynolds, who played the immortal Torgo, committed suicide the same year of Manos‘s release. We’re sure it was just a coincidence. Read Bill’s review of Manos.
3. Halloween III – Season Of The Witch (1982)
Charlie Brown’s final trip to the Pumpkin Patch
This movie is cheesy fun. Picture this: it’s after Halloween II, and Michael Meyers has been shot in the eyes and blown up. Dr. Loomis is dead too. We don’s yet have the moxy to ignore these important plot points (and we won’t have them until we need to do Halloween 4.
So let’s instead start making a series of Halloween movies, with each one covering a different theme! The first installment in this new “series” will involve a commercial for Silver Shamrock masks that, when watched by children wearing the masks, causes them to melt and snakes crawl from their eye sockets. It’s all made possible by witchcraft using one of the stones from Stonehenge. Oh, and the bad guy who runs Silver Shamrock (Dan O’Herlihy, who later turned up in Robocop) uses these killer androids to do his dirty work. They like to pull off heads and such, so be careful when dealing with them.
The person who wrote this stuff most likely went off his meds at the time. We’re grateful for it. And putting Tom Atkins in anything is always a good call. (See Night of the Creeps below).
The best part of this flick is the hypnotic commercials. “Three more days till Halloween, Halloween, Halloween. Three more days till Halloween, Sil-ver Shamrock!” We just knew that the druids who build Stonehenge were up to no good! (Read our review of Halloween III here.)
So, was Halloween III a success? What’s Halloween 4 gonna be about? Well, folks, take a good guess.
2. Night of the Creeps
It’s a dead man’s party. Who could ask for more?
What is this? A homicide, or a bad B-movie? – Tom Atkins
Night of the Creeps.. lets count the many ways we love thee. The fabulous opening sequence involving an alien ship, where the strange alien dialog is DUBBED simultaneously in English and the alien written language itself! This is a stroke of genius if you ask us.
The icky slugs that move about and turn everybody into walking zombies (a plot point stolen by Slither) Another great performance by the master Tom Atkins, who answers every phone call with Thrill Me!. The return of Jason Lively, last seen by us in European Vacation. The frat house hijinks! The janitor who loves to say Screaming like banshees!
Read our review of Night of the Creeps here.
We actually like the chemistry between the two leads played by Lively and Steve Marshall. Observe how all the main characters in the movie are named after a horror film director. Yes, the movie (directed by Fred Dekker who did The Monster Squad), loves its B-movie inspirations – it revels in them like Tarantino. And there’s even a scene with Plan 9 From Outer Space on a lady’s television, just before a long-dead axe murderer breaks through the floorboards. Speaking of Plan Nine…
1. Plan 9 from Outer Space (1959)
I’m not going to the club with you looking like that, Carl
You see? You see? your stupid minds! Stupid! Stupid!
Atmospheric conditions in outer space often interfere with transmitting…
This is the big one. Ed Wood, with all his ineptitude, managed to create the greatest turkey and funniest movie of all time.
WITNESS! The shaking rubber gravestones!
WITNESS! The atrocious dialogue that reaches the heights of utter absurdity!
WITNESS! The cheesy sets, many of which are merely curtains!
WITNESS! Tor Johnson trying to act!
WITNESS! Criswell, the funniest narrator you’ve ever seen or heard!
WITNESS! Vampira’s waist, which defies all known laws of physics!
WITNESS! Bela Lugosi’ replacement by Ed Wood’s chiropractor!
All this and more in PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE! And remember my friend, future events such as these will affect you in the future. Perhaps, on your way home, someone will pass you in the dark, and you will never know it, for they will be from outer space.
Criswell Predicts: Pain. Lots of pain.
Long live the cheese.
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