Entries 1 through 5
5. Troll 2 (1990)
Troll 2! Oh my Gooooooddddddd!
Come on, stop laughing! Fear us and stuff!
Troll 2 is so bad that it almost defies belief. But it’s so horrible that it’s hilarious. Non-actors, cheesy effects, goofy costumes, non-sensical plot, Ed Wood-level dialogue.. It’s all here for your amusement. So much has been said of Troll 2 already, but if you haven’t seen it, it basically concerns a stupid family who goes out into the country to stay in the town of Nilbog (Goblin spelled backwards, get it?) Yes, the film is about goblins! (But, uh, the name of the film is Troll 2. Never mind.) And there’s some crazy goblin queen who seduces one kid with corn-on-the-cob. And the deceased grandpa who helps little Joshua – at one point giving him a double decker baloney sandwich as a weapon. Intrigued yet? Sure, it’s one of the worst sequels ever made, but it’s not the worst sequel ever made, and that’s because there’s so much comedy to mine from it. No, the bottom of the barrel is still yet to come. (Read our review of Troll 2 here)
4. Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 (1987)
You talkin to my eyebrows?
The only cure for exposure to SNDN2
We think that when you decide to make a sequel, you should actually make a whole film that continues the storyline from the previous film. Director Lee Harry decided he only wanted to do half of a film. Hey, that’s his choice – so he made a 30 minute sequel, no problem. Ah but theater owners won’t show “short films” – they want at least 75 minutes of stuff. No problem – pad it out with flashbacks to the first movie. So what you get with SNDN2 is the little brother Ricky from the first film who is grown up and played (badly) by the infamous Eric Freeman, who we can call Mr. Eyebrows. Seriously, watch this guy’s eyebrows – they take on a life of their own! During his speeches in the office of his “13th” psychiatrist, we flash back to events from the original movie, and then we see new material involving Freeman going on a wild murder spree in a neighborhood. It’s very funny, especially the “garbage day” segment, which has turned into an internet meme. Movie still sucks though, but thanks to YouTube we can extract the stuff we like out of it. Read our review here.
3. Jaws – The Revenge (1987)
Well, muddo! Shark gimme dah cut eye!
At least Jaws 3-D had the twin gimmicks of 3D and Sea World. Jaws 4 has no gimmicks, unless you count Michael Caine, who plays Michael Caine. Oh, and Mario Van Peebles acting like he’s from the Bahamas. After Deputy Sean Brody is killed by a shark in a scene that is clumsily shot and edited, Ellen Brody decides she’s had enough of Amity and moves the rest of her family to the Bahamas (Chief Martin Brody has died of a heart attack – Roy Scheider not being stupid enough to appear in this film). But it seems that an extremely fake-looking mechanical shark has followed them there! This time, it’s personal! Haha! As we said, Van Peebles plays Mike Brody’s fishing buddy with a bad accent. Lorraine Gary cries alot and looks worn out. Caine plays a airplane pilot who once again proves there’s no movie bad enough that he won’t appear in it (see: The Swarm). And the shark roars like a lion or something when it attacks. It seriously roars – try to forget the fact that sharks can’t do that, ever. Also, the thing is killed in one of the most confusing endings we’ve ever seen. After Gary rams the shark with her boat, it explodes (!). Uh, where’s that copy of Jaws 3D?
2. Xtro II: The Second Encounter (1990)
Nice to encounter you again, monster-fish-alien thing.
Typical reaction after seeing Xtro 2
The first movie Xtro was great, trashy fun. This movie stinks to high heaven. Able to secure the rights to the name “Xtro” but unable to secure the rights to the “story” (how the hell does that work?), director Harry Bromley Davenport delivers a shameless clone of the first two Alien movies. But instead of Sigourney Weaver and Bill Paxton we instead get Tara Buckman (random TV actress) and
Jan-Michael Vincent who can’t remember his lines half the time and acts like he’s stoned the other half. He might as well be comatose. Oh yeah, they rip off Stargate too, as the story concerns a secret government project involving traveling to parallel worlds, except one of the explorers comes back with a nasty creature inside her. Those who didn’t escape the facility lockdown must now face against the creature, which cannot be seen clearly since the director decided not to shine any lights on it. X-Files fans will be happy to see Nicolas Lea; fans of bad movies will salivate over the horrible acting and stupid dialogue where people say stuff like “We have duo tangents.” and “Reset embarkation cooridnates to maximum!” Vincent is brought into the movie because he has previous experience with the alien thing but when he shows up he refuses to tell anybody about it. Oh, there’s a guy in it played by Nic Amoroso who is almost like Tommy Wiseau. It’s about on par with an Asylum picture.
1. Boogeyman II (1983)
Please enjoy my "Film"
No, this isn’t Boogeyman 2 from 2007, this is Boogeyman II from 1983, which is the sequel to the film The Boogeyman (1980) that was directed by Ulli Lommel. That film has to do with a ghost/demon coming back through pieces of a mirror, and it has its fair share of gore and extreme cheese. Boogeyman II, however, is the ultimate in “I-just-don’t-give-a-shit” filmmaking. Apparently, Lommel was asked to do a sequel in 1981, but instead he did half of a sequel and padded the rest with scenes from the first film. (What is with movie makers who don’t make anything?) Anyway, in the sequel, Lacey from the original moves to Hollywood. Unfortunately, a shard of the evil mirror comes with her, and people start dying again. When a director named Mickey (played by Lommel himself) decides to make a horror film based on her experiences, his Hollywood friends begin to die off. A butler is possesed, appliances go wacky, people are killed by electric toothbrushes and hedge trimmers. LOL. Not content to only give half a movie (like SNDN2), Lommel went back to deliver a “Directors Cut” called Boogeyman 2 Redux, which – get this – cuts out more Boogyman 2 footage and replaces it with more flashback footage from the original film! So, it’s like 90% footage from the first film and the rest is “speeded up” Boogeyman 2 footage along with video-shot footage of Lommel himself pretending he’s giving a deposition of the murders. At this point, Boogyman 2 Directors Cut can no longer be considered a film, but more like a cut’n’paste joke on all of us watching. Seriously, if he was going to do this, why not just release the first movie with director commentary? It’s practially the same damn thing! If you are trying to figure out why Lommel would make something like this, just read his interview with Dr. Gore. It’s obvious how much better Lommel is than the rest of us peons who don’t “get it” – if you can’t make a film to be proud of, why bother?
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